So this is going to be an interesting blog post. I am warning you now, it might be a bit of a rant, and difficult to follow... I have lots of thoughts going through my brain at the moment.
First sorry for the lack of posts the last few days, this week has been a bit of a bad week for me, which is spurring this post. As many of the followers of this blog know, or know partially, cause even my immediate family and maybe even Mike can't completely understand where I am coming from, but I am in training to be a scientist... in graduate school.... but that right there usually throws people off. My school is not like the typical school you think of... I really don't have classes anymore, and I don't have a set end of schooling date, "well how is that school?" you may ask, well I am at the point of my field where I can not learn from a class or books, cause I am on the cutting edge and it is not in books or able to be taught by your typical teachers. Sounds exciting right? well yeah most of the time it is awesome, and don't get me wrong I love what I do, seriously I LOVE IT, how many people can say that about their jobs? But maybe that is where it starts to get difficult... that is when (think of little mermaid here) I start singing/dreaming about being "a part of that world" as in the 'normal' world, because I feel like I am in two different worlds, shuttling back and forth trying to keep track of both simultaneously! :)
The world of scientific research is a different world, I mean really different, kind of like mars and earth... light years apart! I feel like I am doing the splits across these worlds and I am barely holding on, and well this week I think I fell right between the two, pretty much feeling like I suck at both! This is not the first or the last time I will feel this way I am sure. Here I sit at work/school Saturday morning waiting while my sequencing reaction is cleaned by the robot, all so I can put it on the 3730 sequencer and have data to analyze of the potential clones I just generated, which are of the wild type sequence of the upstream region of a gene which I am investigating because I found a mutation in a human patient sample with an ocular disorder. Yeah, did you really and fully understand that... :) My friends here at school who might check this post out would understand, that would give me like 4... then a few of the random scientific people who stumble across it, but I am not naive enough to think that many of people in the world read my blog. So the majority of the family and friends probably don't fully understand what I am doing, which is fine cause I sure as heck don't understand the majority of what my family does (lots in the insurance world, over my head!!) :)
So a lot of scientist, probably the majority, eat, sleep, breath, science! Which is great and awesome and I admire it, but I guess that is where I start to feel like I fail, I love science, but I love my family, all of them and my friends! There is this unwritten rule or thought in the science world, and that is (and especially so for the grad students) that you need to work like a 60-80 hours a week a least to be truly dedicated and successful. well I am a person that is not willing to sacrifice family for this expectation, but I feel then that I have this black cloud hanging over me, "well there is that student who had a baby in grad school, what was she thinking, she must not be serious about her science". Seriously there are other scientist that think that! Yeah most likely I will not be uber successful, I won't have a bunch of Nature, Science, or Cell journal publications (those are some of the big time ones), and I won't get the Nobel prize, and I know people who strive for that and again I admire that. At the same time I have this guilt that when I stay late or have to go in on a weekend I am not spending time with my amazing daughter. Also I am sending her to a sitter for the majority of the day and I am limited to a few hours ~4-6 hours a day with her and most of the weekends... that makes me feel like I am failing at home. I guess for me, it is selfishness, I want it all, I want to do what I love and make a family and be with a family that I love, and I need to work on balancing the two a little more I think... but it is hard. I wish there were just 4 more hours in a day. Time to get home to hang out with my family, go to a family wedding and relax until I have travel to the world of science again on Monday morning! :)
Well thank you all for reading this and understanding, I am sure many of you are feeling the same in your situation! We have each other to turn to! I love you all, seriously if you read this post, I love you, you care about me and you are willing to hear my ranting thoughts! :) Feel free to comment and share some of your own thoughts or issues or trials and tribulations, I do love to listen, I really do!
It's ok to want it all... actually I think it's most desirable to want it all. However, the balance of living life at home and at work is often out of balance. Some days you'll be a great mom, some days you'll have to be a great scientist. Either way, just think of what kind of mom Evelyn will grow up having - a passionate, educated and fun mommy. :)
ReplyDeleteYou can do it! Love ya!
It is ok to want both, I see you struggle with work and family and how much you love both. At this point you need to remember you are great at both. You are a great wife, mother and graduate student, you give your all in whatever you do and do it well. You need not be so hard on yourself, your family will always be there to support you while being a great mom or a great scientist. Miss Everlyn loves you unconditionally, as does your husband. So take one day at a time and enjoy your life and family. You are amazing Love C.
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