BBS due early November! Part 1

BBS?!? are you question what BBS is? It affectionately stands for Baby Boy Schilter! :) Mike and I are not people who want to decide on the name of the baby prior to it's birth... I feel we need to see him or her before baby can be named. I know many people do not like this... well tough! I am a weirdo and that is the way I like it! :) Mike will probably roll his eyes at this, cause well yeah we pretty much decided Evelyn's name prior, but I really did wait to see her to confirm her name... one of the other names for a girl we liked was Isabella... could you imagine Evelyn as an Isabella?!? NO WAY! :) see this is what I mean... some names are meant for people. I am sure you have come across people who are named a name and it just doesn't seem to fit them... I know I have! :)

So I feel pregnancy with number 2 would be an interesting topic to discuss. I must say things are a bit different. First I want to clarify, my pregnancies seem to be pretty easy and I don't have many issues (thank heaven), so I obviously may not be very comparable to other women's situations. Well lets start at the beginning... so Michael and I knew we wanted multiple kids, weather that is 2 or 4 I don't know yet (We like to say 1 at a time, but yeah I skipped 3... no offense to the multitude of people with 3 kids, I just don't want an odd numbered family... yes I know I am a weirdo!) :) As many people know, Evelyn is a handful, a wonderful amazing handful, but a handful none the less! So for a while (and many days still) I felt like holy cow (yeah Evelyn says this now and it is hilarious!) but I don't know if I should have been allowed to have one kid, let alone handle more?!? :)  But funny how it works, that there is just a time, and it hit Mike and I, that hey we were ready! I also didn't want us to have kids too close together... I didn't think I could handle the real young ones at the same time! :) so even before Evelyn turned two we thought we were ready... but our life situation made us wait a little longer.... I was finishing my PhD training, and more importantly I wanted to make sure I was going to have a job and insurance when it was time to have this next baby. So that is why we ended up waiting a little bit longer even. But I think our timing was great! :)

So the beginning was a little different to start, for Evelyn we pretty much got pregnant right away and I knew the earliest I could know that I was pregnant, it was very much like 'clockwork' or however you want to say. This one, well since I must have been stressed around the time of conception (aka getting my PhD!!) turns out I ovulated late... but see I thought it would be just like Evelyn so I kept getting 'negative' pregnancy tests... but more accurately I was not really pregnant yet cause I ovulated later... but one thing that was the same as Evelyn, Indy our puppy, started to act really funny around me. This happened with Evelyn too! I think he could have a side job as a pregnancy detector! :) So I pretty much concluded we were not pregnant with the second one, when Indy started acting weird... and then I thought, well maybe.... so I took a test, and sure enough, Indy the pregnancy detecting dog came through! :) Oh and if you are interested Indy's acting funny was him needing to be right next to me all the time, like lay by my feet when I pee, walk behind me so close his nose touched my legs, lay on top of me in bed or on the couch... just overly lovey and protective. This activity is this pronounced only very early, not all the time, but throughout the pregnancies he does seem to have an extra need to lay on my tummy... so he must really know something is going on there! :)

Ok so this got really long so I decided to make it a multiple part series! :)

P.S. Don't you just love ultrasounds! OMG melt my heart, and this little person is growing inside of me! Wow, life truly is a miracle and a gift! :) I love this little boy already! :)

All things Grandma Dian

Well we have concluded the last few days that were all things Grandma Dian. I was very unexpectedly sad yesterday, after all the funeral and burial activities were done, and we drove past the now fresh pile of dirt that marks the place where my dear grandmother lies. I think it struck me then, she is gone, I can't go visit her anymore, I can't hear her amazing voice (unless Alissa gives me that voice-mail she saved thankfully), I won't get her awesome hugs, and hear her say 'love you, love you'. So now we have to go back to 'normal' life... it feels weird. I know this is all a part of life, but it sure is a sucky part of life!

Grandma's funeral was beautiful! We had tons of pictures, so many beautiful flowers from family and friends, the near endless stream of people whom grandma touched a part of their lives, it was a wonderful testament to how amazing a woman she was! Just like at my grandpa Honey's funeral, when I was a mere 3 year old trying to understand, I didn't want them to close that box (coffin)! Those darn boxes, they are such a symbol to me, they are like the final blow, the dagger that chops off that last piece of my heart. I had to watch them lower her into the grave too, for some reason I just wanted to see it, the finality of it... the confirmation that, that is indeed where she went... she won't just magically be back her home in her rocking chair by the window. Now is the time for healing... that is what they say right? I have to heal that part of my heart that the box cut off (yeah the box is the bad guy in the story), how do you heal that sadness? Yes, we need to celebrate the life she had, those wonderful (too short in my opinion) 78 years. The pictures we put together sure did show that she did have a good life, full of family and friends, those of us that will miss her dearly!

Since grandma has passed something kind of funny with Evelyn happened, now if I show any sadness, for example in my stress and emotional turmoil, I yelled at Evelyn (she was trying to destroy the book I am reading right now) but I probably yelled at her a little more than I needed, well she understandably got very upset, and I started to cry cause I made her cry. Well after I went to find her hiding to apologize to her for yelling at her, she saw I was crying and you could see the change on her little face, all of a sudden she was not sad, looked very seriously at me and said 'Who you miss?' This amazing little girl now associates her sad momma with her missing grandma Dian! To top it off, last night as we were putting Evelyn to bed, she said unexpectedly 'Grammy Dian up in heaven.' It was very matter of fact, and not a question, but a unsolicited confirmation almost. As I write this, I know that will be my healing, the band-aid for my sadness, Evelyn, this little baby that grows inside me, Michael, and our families. I will heal with time, as I try and aspire to be as much like grandma that I can, full of love, kindness, tenderness, and goodness. I know she is looking over us, and she has laid the blueprint for me to be a better mother, and future grandmother.

Thank you blog readers, for being there for me and reading these last few post about my grandma, I have found them to be very therapeutic for me, and helped me wrap my head around the last few days.

Love you, love you grandma Dian, now and forever! :)

Remembering Grandma Dian

Well the time has come for my Grandma Dian to leave this earthly home and join the others in her family up in heaven. Grandma Dian passed away this passed Saturday, early in the morning with loved ones around her including my aunt, my mom, and my sister right by her side. She then proceeded to put a smile on her face, which I am told is not really a normal thing for people to do as they pass away. I am not even kidding, she had a down right smirk on her face. I think she looked more like herself in those minutes after than she had the whole week prior. She is in a better place. She is with many of her loved ones. She is no longer suffering, or coping with her severe anemia. I am happy, sad cause I will miss her, but happy that she is at peace and back with my grandpa, my uncle Jim, grandma's mom and dad, her sister, her brother, and also a good friend of her's that passed away. One of the daughters of my grandparents really close friends, ones they spent a lot of time with when they were young families, she said there was going to be a great game of sheepshead in heave on Saturday night! Isn't that great?!? I can just imagine her being welcomed in and all the love, and them having a game of sheepshead! Puts a smile on my face! :)

I always knew that my grandma was such a loving woman, she was an AMAZING grandma to me and had the biggest heart in the world! When she passed, there has been such an outpouring of love and respect for my grandma, she has touched so many people outside of her large family, I am just in awe of what a wonderful woman she really was! And we haven't even had her funeral! I am sure I will continue to be in awe of this great woman, and I can only hope to aspire to be half the amazing mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother she was! I know she will continue to guide me and love me, and show me how to be the best I can be. For now I have to just practice feeling her presence and seeing the signs she provides me! Love you love you Grandma Dian! :)



Grandma Dian with Mike and I at our wedding



My parents and Grandma Dian meeting Evelyn



Stop by Grammy Dian for Evelyn to spend some time (Evelyn 3 months)



At Cousin Jili's 1st communion (Evelyn 4 months)



Evelyn's Baptism



Four generations of mothers and daughters! so much love! :)



Grandma's 78th birthday party this April. We look so happy! Love you love you grandma!



My Grandma Dian.

Many of you that are closer to me, are aware that my grandma is currently battling a pretty bad illness.

Sadly my grandma Dian, the only grandparent I have left, is not doing very well. She has a type of blood cancer that is called MDS or myelodysplastic syndrome they use to call it pre-leukemia. It is the same disease that Robin Roberts from Good Morning America had just beat. Trouble with MDS is that there is not a lot you can do but have a bone marrow transplant (BMT)... and they don't tend to perform BMTs in older patients cause the process to rid the person of the cancer cells (aka intense irradiation) often is so hard on the older person it kills them before a BMT could actually be done. So this is not something that my grandma could even do. 

MDS is considered a disease of the elderly, because more often it occurs in older individuals, when you make blood throughout your life you progressively accumulate mutations in these cells, and if you get enough 'bad' mutations you can create cancerous cells or in the case of MDS, blood precursor cells that do not do their job and people suffer severe anemia. It is interesting, or at least I find it interesting, that they are finding many patients that have received chemo or radiation to fight another cancer, like breast cancer, go on to develop MDS (just like Robin Roberts and my grandma). The theory is that the chemo and/or radiation causes another 'hit' or mutation to those bone marrow cells and the accumulation of these negative mutations causes the cells to become cancerous. There are a number of traits that a normal cell acquires to become a cancer cell, for example: the ability of the cell to grow without constraints (tumor masses/lumps), the ability to travel to other parts of the body (metastasize), and others. Some people are unfortunately born with/inherited a mutation or mutations that predisposes them to advance more easily in one or more these cancer characteristics or traits (i.e. the BRCA genes in breast cancer). 

That is exactly what happened with my grandma, she suddenly was just feeling light headed, dizzy and out of sorts, and then they found out through blood tests that all my grandma's blood cells were dangerously low! This happened in February or March I think it was. Since then she has literally been surviving on blood transfusion (SO PLEASE PLEASE DONATE BLOOD, NO EXCUSES!) anyway, I digress. For the last 4 months she has also been receiving a 'newer' drug, a kind of long shot, it is a type of chemo, but not like what most people think of chemo, but still decently rough for my 78 year old grandma. Unfortunately after 4 rounds of this drug, it was apparent it was not really doing much good for her, and her blood counts were not recovering even close to normal. 

Enter a few days ago, Monday to be exact, my mom lets my siblings and I know, if we want our kids to see grandma when she is more coherent and still somewhat herself we should visit soon. My first reaction: 

WHAT? 

That seemed all of a sudden, I am very logical, and I have read A LOT about this disease, and I am realistic, but I thought she was doing pretty well with her transfusions... well turns out the blood transfusions don't seem to be even improving her quality of life right now. For some reason (there are so many things in life/health/science we can't explain) but the blood transfusions aren't doing anything to helping her feel somewhat normal anymore.

You know what that means? 

There is absolutely nothing left anyone can do.

Like I said, I am a very logical person, I like to read about things, know about them, understand things, especially medical disorders and cancer. Up till Monday I think I was handling things really well, I was very composed and understanding, helping others understand and process, but when I saw my grandma, the only grandparent I have left on this earth, and she looked almost like a dead person already, my walls broke, and I was just her granddaughter again, not a scientist, not a logical-I-read-all-about-it-person. I was crushed.

Enter a new parenting experience: how do you explain to your 2 and half year old why mommy is so sad and crying? How do you explain death? How do you explain how a granddaughter feels when she is inevitably going to loose her grandmother?

Evelyn saw me crying very very hard and said: 'mommy what is wrong? it is ok mommy.'

I reply: 'mommy is sad' Evelyn: 'Why mommy?' Me: 'Well you know grammy Dian who we just visited, she is sick and she is not going to be here very long' Evelyn: 'Why?' Me: "Well sometimes we get sick and our bodies shut down and then we die and go to heaven." Evelyn: 'Why?' Me: "mommy is going to really miss Grammy Dian" Evelyn: "Grammy Dian going to go to heaven, and mommy going to miss her a lot."

BREAK MY HEART TO PIECES! not only is Evelyn such a smart girl (I know I am biased, but I think she is amazing) but here she is caring for her mom so much, hugging me, consoling me, telling me everything is ok, trying to understand something that is so foreign and new to her and she pretty much nails it! Evelyn proceeded to repeat this last line many times Monday night, and I just cried.

Grandma Dian is still with us at the time of writing this post, she did not receive her blood transfusion yesterday, which means she will be inevitably running out of blood soon. Now we just wait, and make her comfortable, she is not in pain, so we are thankful for that. I am also happy for grandma to be able to see her husband, my grandpa, whom she has been apart from for the last 20 years, I am happy they will be able to be together again! See I still am optimistic, even when very sad! :) 

In the words of my Grandma Dian: Love you, love you!

Our summer summary so far.

Hello all,

Sorry I have been absent, you all know how it goes, summer is crazy busy! Ok I know empty promises are bad, but I do promise to get better at my blogging now. It is funny cause I think about different blog posts all the time, different things in my mind, different things I could write about, but I just don't seem to take the time to sit and do them! That is what I will fix! :)

As of late in our lives, we just had a 10 day vacation up to my family's cabin, it was great! It worked out super that we could put the 4th of July and our week vacation back to back! :) We were really lucky and had great weather and did lots of swimming and outdoor boating and sun soaking! We all came back with pretty good tans! I am peeling a little now though... ugh, but it will be ok!

So now we are back home and man it is HOT, yes it sucks being hot well pregnant, but at least I am not like ready to deliver! I am 23 weeks right now, feeling our baby boy kicking like crazy! :) But I can do a separate post on all the baby fun stuff... See I shouldn't put everything into one post! Sheesh, such an amateur blogger! :)

Other than that, Evelyn is in Gymnastics at La Fleur's in Germantown, I will do a separate post on that too. Mike plays softball on Thursdays. The day seems to run out of time, especially in the evening and our family time! :( We are keeping busy. I have been in my new position for about 2 and a half months... it is a little slow for my liking, projects just need to get underway, there are new things, and I guess I need a little more defined projects to really flourish, but it is getting there. Part of my troubles is waiting on MDs to get us the samples from a specific type of cancer that we are studying... but it will come together, I am always the optimist.

Well that will sum up my apology post and I will move on to a more specific post about my grandma Dian, since she is on my mind a lot as of late!

Hope I still have some readers,
Kala