All things Grandma Dian

Well we have concluded the last few days that were all things Grandma Dian. I was very unexpectedly sad yesterday, after all the funeral and burial activities were done, and we drove past the now fresh pile of dirt that marks the place where my dear grandmother lies. I think it struck me then, she is gone, I can't go visit her anymore, I can't hear her amazing voice (unless Alissa gives me that voice-mail she saved thankfully), I won't get her awesome hugs, and hear her say 'love you, love you'. So now we have to go back to 'normal' life... it feels weird. I know this is all a part of life, but it sure is a sucky part of life!

Grandma's funeral was beautiful! We had tons of pictures, so many beautiful flowers from family and friends, the near endless stream of people whom grandma touched a part of their lives, it was a wonderful testament to how amazing a woman she was! Just like at my grandpa Honey's funeral, when I was a mere 3 year old trying to understand, I didn't want them to close that box (coffin)! Those darn boxes, they are such a symbol to me, they are like the final blow, the dagger that chops off that last piece of my heart. I had to watch them lower her into the grave too, for some reason I just wanted to see it, the finality of it... the confirmation that, that is indeed where she went... she won't just magically be back her home in her rocking chair by the window. Now is the time for healing... that is what they say right? I have to heal that part of my heart that the box cut off (yeah the box is the bad guy in the story), how do you heal that sadness? Yes, we need to celebrate the life she had, those wonderful (too short in my opinion) 78 years. The pictures we put together sure did show that she did have a good life, full of family and friends, those of us that will miss her dearly!

Since grandma has passed something kind of funny with Evelyn happened, now if I show any sadness, for example in my stress and emotional turmoil, I yelled at Evelyn (she was trying to destroy the book I am reading right now) but I probably yelled at her a little more than I needed, well she understandably got very upset, and I started to cry cause I made her cry. Well after I went to find her hiding to apologize to her for yelling at her, she saw I was crying and you could see the change on her little face, all of a sudden she was not sad, looked very seriously at me and said 'Who you miss?' This amazing little girl now associates her sad momma with her missing grandma Dian! To top it off, last night as we were putting Evelyn to bed, she said unexpectedly 'Grammy Dian up in heaven.' It was very matter of fact, and not a question, but a unsolicited confirmation almost. As I write this, I know that will be my healing, the band-aid for my sadness, Evelyn, this little baby that grows inside me, Michael, and our families. I will heal with time, as I try and aspire to be as much like grandma that I can, full of love, kindness, tenderness, and goodness. I know she is looking over us, and she has laid the blueprint for me to be a better mother, and future grandmother.

Thank you blog readers, for being there for me and reading these last few post about my grandma, I have found them to be very therapeutic for me, and helped me wrap my head around the last few days.

Love you, love you grandma Dian, now and forever! :)