The last entry I gave a hint that I would be talking about the guilt I have felt during this pregnancy. Seems weird right? Why would I feel guilty?! Well don't worry I will explain! :)
While pregnant with Evelyn (#1) this was obviously a whole new experience, I was so infatuated with knowing exactly what was happening inside me at every moment! I mean I went to the lengths of acquiring a highly in depth human development book because the 'What to expect while expecting' and the 10 other books and websites I was reading were not good enough! I loved to read about how big baby was, how big my uterus was, what fruit/veggie baby is compared to.... everything I wanted to know it all! Well this poor baby... I get a weekly email that I look at briefly (if I have time). I mean I probably didn't dig up the pregnancy books until I was like 14 weeks... and I looked at them maybe twice! Also with Evelyn, of course I had to take belly pictures, I was so proud of this baby growing inside of me, and wanted to document it... well this poor baby... I am just hoping people don't mistake me for just having a huge lunch or something! :) How terrible am I! I feel like it seems as if I don't care about this pregnancy and baby, you and I know that I obviously do! Enter the guilt feeling... why am I not more excited, or looking up and digesting all this stuff, documenting everything? Sure, I can argue that I have looked at it already, and remember it and all that, but really I think it might boil down to less time and more confidence.
More confidence is an interesting thing that has come along with this pregnancy. Yes, I am slightly worried/nervous about having a second child to grow/support/love/care-for but at the same time, the newness of the whole experience is gone. I am confident that I can carry a baby to term (done that), I am confident that I can care for a newborn (done that), I am confident that I can breastfeed (done that).... it is all those little anxiety inducing emotions I had last time that I don't this time.... I am simply more confident! :) I like that! Also I think I am and will be less hard on myself, with Evelyn I feared if anything I wanted to do or planned to do went wrong, that it was my fault and I was a faulty mother or something, now I know that I can't control it all, I won't beat myself up if I have to feed my baby some formula or if the kid sits in some poop for a little while cause I didn't notice it... I think I am and will continue to be easier on myself, and that is very liberating! Sure, the new anxieties include, juggling 2 kids, toting and caring for a baby at events with a crazy little girl to also keep alive (lets face it, that is the biggest concern right?), and well mostly in one piece! :) That really is where my biggest concern is right now. Sure there are a lot more things I could fret about (and I might later) but one great thing about having Evelyn has helped me with... I have learned to chill a little more, and realize 'no, I can't control everything' I can try to be prepared (I am personally not good at that, Mike is more our planner in the family), but I really have to take things as they come, and that is what we will do when we have two... simple as that. I don't want to worry about everything... that will make me die young! My cousin had a good facebook quote thing that said something like: worrying is as pointless as walking around with an umbrella all the time because it might rain. I like that... I am trying to not put up my 'worry-umbrella' until I see that there is some rain coming... right now I will bask in the sun of the awesomeness of parenthood, and go headfirst and confidently with my wonderful partner-in-life Michael into this next grand adventure! :)
Life is good, I am going to keep living it to the fullest!
No comments:
Post a Comment